I told you not to look!
You know that goofy and annoying Carfax commercial, where the customer wants to see the a vehicle’s history report, but the nervous sales guy gets out a hand puppet as a lame form of distraction?
“You want to see the Car Fox?” he says, ridiculously.
OK, yes, it is really stupid. But that’s not going to keep me from stealing from it as I try to tell you what I sent in this week to the Associated Press. It’s my ballot for … uh …
Top five Carpenters songs? OK, sure ….
1. “For All We Know” 2. “We’ve Only Just Begun” 3. “A Song for You” 4. “Merry Christmas Darling” 5. “Crystal Lullaby”
Oh, wait, no … that’s not what I sent into the AP. Let’s see if I can remember what it was …
Five most desired types of Halloween candy as a child?
1. Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups 2. Crunch or Krackle bars 3. M&Ms (preferably Peanut) 4. $100,000 bar 5. Mounds
Or maybe it was five least-wanted types of Halloween candy as a child?
1. any hard candy 2. Necco wafers, 3. Red Hots 4. Candy Corn 5. taffy
Nah … it wasn’t that, either. What COULD it have been? I know it took me a long time to figure it out. Well, actually, it began really easily. I remember putting down No. 1 and No. 2 in a snap. Piece of cake. Which reminds me …
Five snack cakes I most hoped to see in my “Hair Bear Bunch” lunch box in grade school:
1. Ding Dongs 2. CupCakes. 3. HoHos 4. Sno Balls 5. Fruit Pie (OK, not really a cake, obviously. Just didn’t like Twinkies. Surely I can’t be the only one. All of this junk is terrible for you, of course).
No, no, no. It wasn’t that. Yeah, Nos. 1 and 2 were easy, but then it started to get difficult. Then it became troublesome. Then it got nearly impossible.
Was it top five Steffi Graff matches? Five best 1960s black and white movies? Five vegetables I dislike even more than celery?
All right, enough of this. If you’re still reading, I’ll stop trying to distract you. Let me just say, again, the polls really don’t mean anything. It’s just guesswork, especially in the preseason. If you think, “Oh, this list is all wrong, you pinhead!” … you’re probably right. Or maybe not.
Without further nonsense … my preseason (sigh) top 25:
1. UConn, 2. Stanford, 3. North Carolina, 4. Ohio State, 5. Notre Dame, 6. Duke, 7. Baylor, 8. Michigan State, 9. LSU, 10 Tennessee, 11. Texas, 12. Oklahoma, 13. Xavier, 14. Virginia, 15, DePaul, 16. Florida State, 17. Cal 18. Georgia Tech, 19. Arizona State, 20. Middle Tennessee State, 21. Georgia, 22. Kansas, 23, Gonzaga, 24. Rutgers, 25. Mississippi State
Yep, there it is, flaws and all. Grand Poobah Mel Greenberg always says half-jokingly and half-seriously that, really, we ought to not start voting until around January, when we actually know something – or at least think we do. But that’s not the way it works. We have to start now when we know very little.
There are years (every year) when at the end of the season, I look back on my preseason ballot and shudder. And cringe. And laugh. This season should be no exception. So …
Friday, the AP is supposed to release the preseason poll, and then you can see how wrong all 40 voters are. Seriously … don’t take it seriously. If you don’t see your team in the top 25 and really think it should be, don’t get too angry. The rankings will evolve. Relax. It’s not worth getting upset over.
Or (distraction alert) take your mind off it and just watch Jim’s and Pam’s wedding again from “The Office.” That could cheer up anybody, right?
Unless it distresses you to see blissfully happy fictional characters, in which case …
Wanna see the Car Fox?